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@ itadakimasu
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In what is definitely Satoru Gojo's voice: "You've reached Suguru Geto! Leave a message!"
In what is definitely Satoru Gojo's voice: "You've reached Suguru Geto! Leave a message!"
it was either that or wide-eyed and crazy...i'm out of eyecons
[Technically the truth! Although Satoru knows that's not what Suguru meant; he's aware that this is yet another chide about politeness. Which, just as Suguru will have to get used to Satoru showing up at his camp and naming his curse(s), Satoru will have to get used to this all over again: being told to watch his manners, something that he actually does make a point of doing from time to time, ever since Suguru's last piece of advice on the matter. But that isn't an argument he feels like making, considering what that says about him in the wake of Suguru's parting.
This is the second time that Satoru's extended hand has been rejected by Suguru, but this time, Satoru doesn't kowtow as he had earlier in an effort to make him give in. He gives Suguru a long look, thinking about those words, You're assuming that I care about the prize, and decides that it's time for his blindfold after all. He stops wiggling his fingers and finally retrieves it from his pocket to put it on and face Suguru again. Even through the fabric, Satoru sees their combined cursed emanating from Suguru — an ever-present reminder of what they did, and what this is between them.]
When'd you get so boring?
[Suguru turned him down before, when Satoru was attempting to bridge the gap between them with another stupid game conducted over text messages. Satoru is with him in theory — he isn't interested in being the conductor's pawn here, just as he isn't interested in being used by the higher-ups back home. But this is more than a stupid survey — this is Satoru making an effort, in his own obnoxious way, to work with Suguru the way he's requested Suguru to work with him. It's a silly directive for what will surely be a stupid prize, but silly games and stupid prizes were always theirs.
(But the question is rhetorical, nonetheless: Satoru knows the when behind Suguru's change of heart. It wasn't when he left; it wasn't while he was gone. It was after Suguru's point of no return, when Satoru what was supposed to be a final decision.)
There's another way that Satoru could make himself useful while still ensuring that Suguru fulfills his directive: he could find him someone else to hold his hand. Undoubtedly, Suguru won't want to touch the hand of a non-sorcerer, but Satoru has met a couple of people with abilities that aren't so far off from cursed energy. He could make a suggestion, a phone call, and exchange one favor for another to bring someone with their hand out for Suguru to hold. Networking! Something that, for all that Satoru is a menace to train society, he's actually not half-bad at. But that's an unfair burden to anyone he were to pull in to this scenario; Suguru may be bound now, but he won't be bound forever, and there's no telling what the future holds.
And Suguru is Satoru's now: his responsibility and his burden, his past and his future, and his enemy and his best friend, all wrapped up into one. If Suguru is going to hold anyone's hand, it's his, and his alone.
So, after only a minute pause, he extends his hand again, wiggling his fingers once more, but this time he encroaches on Suguru's space.]
Aren't you a little curious?
[About the prize! About his hand! About how peaceful the evening could be, if he gives in now rather that later...]
eyecons... stop 😔 time to go make more
that is what this feels like, as satoru slips his blindfold back over his eyes: like satoru is picking at some scabbed-over wound, refusing to simply let it be.
and maybe it's even fair, given how long this particular wound has been allowed to fester, but it feels fresh to suguru. none of this is easy—except, of course, the things that should be difficult, such as finding satoru's antics amusing. recognizing satoru's subtle tells. allowing satoru into his space, close enough for their breath to mingle, and let it be known that suguru is still processing that. the shock that was warm skin beneath his fingertips continues to haunt him, a siren song; a warning bell.
but if satoru recognizes that this—all of this—is difficult for suguru, he's yet to show it. or—well, that isn't entirely true. suguru recognizes that satoru is being patient, in his way? that satoru is falling back on their old dynamic for his own reasons, and yet things are different. things have changed. so much remains unaddressed; even with the binding vow bringing them together, there remains a vast amount of space between them. how do they even begin to bridge it...
(should they?)
suguru feels tired, suddenly. sore. it hasn't even been a full day since suguru allowed satoru to come far too close—and here is satoru hoping for a repeat performance, offering his hand as obnoxiously as possible. aren't you a little curious? no, suguru thinks. not really. what matters—what should matter—is reaching their destination as swiftly as possible; there's no need to stop for breaks along the way.
(playing these stupid games will only hurt them, in the end. both of them. their own games are risky enough, and this isn't even one of them.)
and yet.]
I don't know why you are.
[if satoru is going to make a point of this, then it's better to simply get it over with—which is why satoru, against his better judgment, reaches out, fingers catching satoru's.]
no subject
He's a different person — one who is mindful of the students he teaches, even when he's forgoing typical teaching methods to impart lessons. He's cognizant of the issues in jujutsu society, and he understands the importance of having strong allies stand beside him, rather than behind him. Satoru truly strives for change — and does his best to ensure that his students will be strong enough to seize it when the time comes.
He is no longer blind to what is in front of him.
But Satoru doesn't always want to see what he has no choice to observe, and there are still ways in which he remains flawed. This is a case in point: still tired, still vulnerable, still observing the way their cursed energy intertwines, Satoru strives for forward momentum and distraction, making gestures that are more annoyances, backsliding because it's easier.
Satoru doesn't regret much in his life, but when he thinks about regret, it always takes the shape of Suguru: Suguru walking away. Suguru's body without Suguru inside.
As Suguru's fingers finally reach for him, finally make contact, Satoru thinks that this, too, feels something like regret: wistful, nostalgic, and too dangerous to indulge. His Infinity allows Suguru in without any fanfare, and that also feels too much like before to settle quietly in the now.
But Satoru has egged this on, and so he doubles down in his commitment. He takes Suguru's hand entirely in his, linking their fingers together, and thinks about how warm and alive Suguru's hand feels — how whole Suguru is, missing nothing at all. He thinks about all the things his hand has done, and all the things it could do, and despite the burden of history and the unknown days to come, how perfectly it still fits in his own.
This was supposed to be the easiest of all the possible ways that Suguru could earn his keep — a simple gesture, to indicate his willingness to make an effort. It wasn't supposed to cost him anything.
But when he has to suppress the urge to tighten his grip to keep Suguru from pulling away — to force himself to remain jovial when he realizes that this is, somehow, even more difficult than yesterday — Satoru thinks that this might have been the most costly of all options.
See? he might say. This isn't so bad, is it?
But that's a lie, and Satoru has promised to be honest.
So instead he asks:]
Think that's long enough?
[And, with a mixture of reluctance and regret, begins to let go.]
no subject
satoru simply allows suguru in.
except there's nothing simple about this, because far be it from satoru to practice restraint; he takes what is offered and, unsurprisingly, demands more, fitting his fingers between suguru's as though they belong there. satoru, continuing to pick, and to pick, and to pick. suguru wonders if he's even aware of it? wonders what he's after if he is. surely there is some reason for this, beyond satoru's exhaustion, satoru's bad habits...
...and there is. of course there is. this is satoru slipping back into what was, every bit as easily as suguru—and as suguru shifts his focus to satoru's half-hidden face, suguru suspects that he, too, realizes the cost of such a thing. nothing is as it was; nothing can be as it was, which is why it's little wonder satoru loosens his hold, obviously preparing to pull away.
before suguru can think better of it, he finds himself folding his fingers, tightly, over the back of satoru's hand. locking it in place; refusing to allow satoru to escape the fact that everything is too much, too soon, though suguru's expression remains calm. he isn't thinking about the hand he's continuing to hold. he can't. it's too familiar a feeling, too comfortable when it should be anything but.]
Do you?
[a question for a question, because is this long enough? both to complete suguru's directive, and to satisfy satoru's curiosity.]
no subject
When faced with uncomfortable or heavy situations, Satoru relies on his antics to carry himself — and those around him — back to a state of normalcy. But there was a time when he showed Suguru his true self: when he admitted to feeling nothing, in the aftermath of trauma; when he admitted to being tired, after overexerting himself; when he was the one clutching Suguru's hand tightly, preventing him from leaving so he wouldn't be alone.
This is an inverse of what once was, twisted to make a point, and Satoru knows that it's his own fault — for swooping into Suguru's camp as though the binding vow isn't still fresh and painful for them both, and for grasping Suguru's hand as though he hadn't once taken his life. But this is only the beginning; they'll have to work together on this train, through a variety of objectives. Suguru will have to accept him in his camp so he can rest safely. And Satoru has two choices: either be unrelentingly himself, or dwell in how difficult it feels to look upon Suguru as an unwilling ally — and an enemy waiting to strike at the end.
And what can Satoru do here, other than smile and tighten his grip once again, embracing the prolonged hold as if it doesn't go right for his chest, a blow that reaches its mark. He takes everything in stride, even when he doesn't want to, and Suguru can't be the exception he once was.]
Yeah, I think this should do it. [There was no time limit on the directive, and his curiosity has been more than satisfied; in fact, his interest in the survey's prize is gone.] But we can wait a minute more to be sure.
[He looks away from their hands — and away from Suguru — and offers a shred of honesty, in accordance of their agreement.]
One night'll be enough.
[Enough to get him back on his feet, in fighting shape, recovered for at least a few days of the distance that Suguru has demonstrated they need. Satoru will eat his dinner, sleep in his bed, and then go off until he needs to recharge again. His statement is meant to communicate that: he may be milking this now, tackling it as he does all things, invading Suguru's peace and pretending that everything is fine, but it is out of necessity, a way of coping with a situation that is difficult for them both. And he won't prolong it for either of them.
A light squeeze of Suguru's hand then — which could be read as a tease, or a means of pushing boundaries even further, but it is meant as another form of honesty: an acknowledgement. An apology. A way of saying: I get it.
Then he severs their hands with his Infinity — and lets Suguru go.]