ascends | inbox

inbox - locomo

@ itadakimasu

In what is definitely Satoru Gojo's voice: "You've reached Suguru Geto! Leave a message!"

✉️ ☎️ 📷

[for now, satoru says, as though allowing the centaur to go about its business is a generous gesture—but suguru remains silent, allowing his small smile to speak for him as he watches satoru scrub at his face. it isn't that he's smug? he has nothing to gain and, quite frankly, everything to lose if satoru were to rush into something that proves to be a bit too much; he's well aware of that, just as he's well aware of all that satoru does not wish to say, in this moment. no one enjoys admitting weakness, least of all someone accustomed to so little of it.

and if suguru wanted to be petty—if suguru wanted to be cruel—he could certainly draw this out, possibly driving satoru from his camp in the process. it wouldn't be difficult—but suguru remembers all the times satoru found him on school grounds, seeking distractions from his discomfort. what must it be like, he'd wondered, to see everything, even when you didn't want to?

(maybe he understands this a bit better, these days. as he stands before satoru a full decade later, spotting the same signs he used to search for—maybe he does.)

but satoru pulls out his phone, telling suguru his results before actually showing them—and suguru could be a stickler about this, too. as silly as this survey is, satoru showing suguru his screen is not the same as suguru handing his phone over; once upon a time, allowing satoru unsupervised access for longer than, like, two minutes was just begging satoru to change his background, or his ringtone, or his passwords, or everything above.

...more memories. it isn't like they matter here, really; suguru's phone remains factory fresh, which is why he finally pulls his hands from his sleeves, shaking his head in the process.]

You're still too rude, [he says, the lightest chastisement.] You could say "please."

[and yet here suguru goes, reaching into his robes to pull out the phone he's kept out of his storage curse™ since their little arrangement began. for coordination, he'd thought at the time. wishful thinking. he should have known that satoru would simply show up.

but, that aside: here one one (1) phone, which suguru helpfully unlocks before placing smackdab in the middle of satoru's upturned palm.]

And you could pretend to be grateful for dinner.

[he's just sayin'. anyway, while satoru ponders (re: ignores) suguru's sage advice, he's free to find the survy results that suguru doesn't seem particularly bothered by? probably because he's decided not to do what he's told.]

[Accepting Suguru's phone (and ignoring his advice, as predicted), Satoru tosses his own back on the mattress and begins scrolling around to find Suguru's survey results. While he isn't aiming to make changes to Suguru's phone as he would have in the past, he does notice that Suguru has put forth no effort to make it a little homey. It's as default as default can be, so Satoru makes a private plan to dress it up a little: find him a background, check to see if he's even bothered setting up his voicemail...

But! First he has to earn his keep (and his right to complain) so he holds back and instead focuses on the survey directive — which is a little bit more interesting than his. And also more amusing, so he exhales a light laugh as he hops down from the shack.]

This is easy. We can get it out of the way right now.

[Easy, because they just did it for the binding vow, so why not just do it again to get this directive completed? Now that they are bound by their promises, it isn't a huge deal for Satoru to let Suguru into his Infinity; and even when Suguru had him vulnerable before, he chose not to act on it. So there shouldn't be any concern — this act should be simple, barely worth considering.

Except, as Satoru temporarily pockets Suguru's phone to playfully tilt his head and wiggle his fingers at Suguru as an invitation, suddenly it feels too much — too far. Whereas last time, Satoru worked on impulse and let down his Infinity on a whim, now he has the burden of forethought and memory. He thinks of holding Suguru's hand yesterday — remembers the warmth of his grip, the way Suguru's forehead felt against his, the sound of his voice as he said I swear — and contrasts it with a time when Suguru was cold, still, and silent. A time when that very hand he held was missing — and Satoru, lifting Suguru's body from the equally cold ground, grieved.

It's too late now, though — Satoru's hand is already reaching out, and he does have to make an effort to help with some of these train objectives, since he's been half-assing it at best until now — and so he remains committed, tease on his lips, hand poised to tempt.]

Let's hold hands.

[in one ear and out the other. every bit as expected as satoru holding onto his phone—and really, suguru should have expected this, as well? satoru making his survey results the focal point of this conversation, because that's much, much better than sidestepping around some centaur. shifting the pressure, light as it is...

but satoru is right; holding hands is easy. in theory. a few seconds of contact is an easy enough thing to manage, especially given that satoru is, quite honestly, the one person on this train suguru would willingly touch—and yet there is a reason suguru didn't think to ask satoru for his help. many reasons, actually, ranging from long-ago memories to a far more recent one.

(and what if satoru is offering to clear suguru's directive simply to clear his own? say yes to something you would normally say no to. the binding vow was necessary; this, however, is not, and once again suguru thinks that it would be better to simply ignore this survey altogether. satoru doesn't need to voice every vulnerability; suguru doesn't need to acknowledge every reminder of what was versus what is.)

here, however, is the truth: suguru can deal with this now, or suguru can hear about it for the remainder of the evening. he highly doubts that satoru will simply let this go—hence his sigh, mild exasperation masking much more complicated emotions.]

What did I just say?

[something, something, manners. an important word, which is the least satoru could offer—even if this isn't, you know. his task to complete. it's the principle of the matter, and thus, while suguru doesn't tuck his right hand back into his opposite sleeve, suguru doesn't hold it out for satoru to take. not yet.]

You're assuming that I care about the prize.

[which he doesn't, honestly, aside from slight curiosity as to what the clownductor has in store. something new to dangle over their heads, he's sure, because giving someone something only to snatch it away at some point in the future—a classic trick.

(and above that—well. suguru's taste in both games and prizes is questionable, as he's proven many a time.)]

You said I should make myself useful! Which is what I'm doing.

[Technically the truth! Although Satoru knows that's not what Suguru meant; he's aware that this is yet another chide about politeness. Which, just as Suguru will have to get used to Satoru showing up at his camp and naming his curse(s), Satoru will have to get used to this all over again: being told to watch his manners, something that he actually does make a point of doing from time to time, ever since Suguru's last piece of advice on the matter. But that isn't an argument he feels like making, considering what that says about him in the wake of Suguru's parting.

This is the second time that Satoru's extended hand has been rejected by Suguru, but this time, Satoru doesn't kowtow as he had earlier in an effort to make him give in. He gives Suguru a long look, thinking about those words, You're assuming that I care about the prize, and decides that it's time for his blindfold after all. He stops wiggling his fingers and finally retrieves it from his pocket to put it on and face Suguru again. Even through the fabric, Satoru sees their combined cursed emanating from Suguru — an ever-present reminder of what they did, and what this is between them.]

When'd you get so boring?

[Suguru turned him down before, when Satoru was attempting to bridge the gap between them with another stupid game conducted over text messages. Satoru is with him in theory — he isn't interested in being the conductor's pawn here, just as he isn't interested in being used by the higher-ups back home. But this is more than a stupid survey — this is Satoru making an effort, in his own obnoxious way, to work with Suguru the way he's requested Suguru to work with him. It's a silly directive for what will surely be a stupid prize, but silly games and stupid prizes were always theirs.

(But the question is rhetorical, nonetheless: Satoru knows the when behind Suguru's change of heart. It wasn't when he left; it wasn't while he was gone. It was after Suguru's point of no return, when Satoru what was supposed to be a final decision.)

There's another way that Satoru could make himself useful while still ensuring that Suguru fulfills his directive: he could find him someone else to hold his hand. Undoubtedly, Suguru won't want to touch the hand of a non-sorcerer, but Satoru has met a couple of people with abilities that aren't so far off from cursed energy. He could make a suggestion, a phone call, and exchange one favor for another to bring someone with their hand out for Suguru to hold. Networking! Something that, for all that Satoru is a menace to train society, he's actually not half-bad at. But that's an unfair burden to anyone he were to pull in to this scenario; Suguru may be bound now, but he won't be bound forever, and there's no telling what the future holds.

And Suguru is Satoru's now: his responsibility and his burden, his past and his future, and his enemy and his best friend, all wrapped up into one. If Suguru is going to hold anyone's hand, it's his, and his alone.

So, after only a minute pause, he extends his hand again, wiggling his fingers once more, but this time he encroaches on Suguru's space.]

Aren't you a little curious?

[About the prize! About his hand! About how peaceful the evening could be, if he gives in now rather that later...]

[wounds heal, if they are given enough time? if they are treated and then left alone. a lesson suguru learned as a child—and that suguru taught, patiently, while patching up schoolyard scrapes. don't pick at the scab, he'd repeated time and time again. leave it be. you'll only make it worse.

that is what this feels like, as satoru slips his blindfold back over his eyes: like satoru is picking at some scabbed-over wound, refusing to simply let it be.

and maybe it's even fair, given how long this particular wound has been allowed to fester, but it feels fresh to suguru. none of this is easy—except, of course, the things that should be difficult, such as finding satoru's antics amusing. recognizing satoru's subtle tells. allowing satoru into his space, close enough for their breath to mingle, and let it be known that suguru is still processing that. the shock that was warm skin beneath his fingertips continues to haunt him, a siren song; a warning bell.

but if satoru recognizes that this—all of this—is difficult for suguru, he's yet to show it. or—well, that isn't entirely true. suguru recognizes that satoru is being patient, in his way? that satoru is falling back on their old dynamic for his own reasons, and yet things are different. things have changed. so much remains unaddressed; even with the binding vow bringing them together, there remains a vast amount of space between them. how do they even begin to bridge it...

(should they?)

suguru feels tired, suddenly. sore. it hasn't even been a full day since suguru allowed satoru to come far too close—and here is satoru hoping for a repeat performance, offering his hand as obnoxiously as possible. aren't you a little curious? no, suguru thinks. not really. what matters—what should matter—is reaching their destination as swiftly as possible; there's no need to stop for breaks along the way.

(playing these stupid games will only hurt them, in the end. both of them. their own games are risky enough, and this isn't even one of them.)

and yet.]

I don't know why you are.

[if satoru is going to make a point of this, then it's better to simply get it over with—which is why satoru, against his better judgment, reaches out, fingers catching satoru's.]

[Satoru isn't the egocentric teenager he was when Suguru first turned away.

He's a different person — one who is mindful of the students he teaches, even when he's forgoing typical teaching methods to impart lessons. He's cognizant of the issues in jujutsu society, and he understands the importance of having strong allies stand beside him, rather than behind him. Satoru truly strives for change — and does his best to ensure that his students will be strong enough to seize it when the time comes.

He is no longer blind to what is in front of him.

But Satoru doesn't always want to see what he has no choice to observe, and there are still ways in which he remains flawed. This is a case in point: still tired, still vulnerable, still observing the way their cursed energy intertwines, Satoru strives for forward momentum and distraction, making gestures that are more annoyances, backsliding because it's easier.

Satoru doesn't regret much in his life, but when he thinks about regret, it always takes the shape of Suguru: Suguru walking away. Suguru's body without Suguru inside.

As Suguru's fingers finally reach for him, finally make contact, Satoru thinks that this, too, feels something like regret: wistful, nostalgic, and too dangerous to indulge. His Infinity allows Suguru in without any fanfare, and that also feels too much like before to settle quietly in the now.

But Satoru has egged this on, and so he doubles down in his commitment. He takes Suguru's hand entirely in his, linking their fingers together, and thinks about how warm and alive Suguru's hand feels — how whole Suguru is, missing nothing at all. He thinks about all the things his hand has done, and all the things it could do, and despite the burden of history and the unknown days to come, how perfectly it still fits in his own.

This was supposed to be the easiest of all the possible ways that Suguru could earn his keep — a simple gesture, to indicate his willingness to make an effort. It wasn't supposed to cost him anything.

But when he has to suppress the urge to tighten his grip to keep Suguru from pulling away — to force himself to remain jovial when he realizes that this is, somehow, even more difficult than yesterday — Satoru thinks that this might have been the most costly of all options.

See? he might say. This isn't so bad, is it?

But that's a lie, and Satoru has promised to be honest.

So instead he asks:]

Think that's long enough?

[And, with a mixture of reluctance and regret, begins to let go.]

[this mistake—because that's precisely what this is—would be so much easier to deal with, were suguru's hand to stop short of satoru's. better to be reminded of the space between them than to think, even for a moment, that satoru remains within reach—but for the second time in this second life, suguru encounters no resistance whatsoever.

satoru simply allows suguru in.

except there's nothing simple about this, because far be it from satoru to practice restraint; he takes what is offered and, unsurprisingly, demands more, fitting his fingers between suguru's as though they belong there. satoru, continuing to pick, and to pick, and to pick. suguru wonders if he's even aware of it? wonders what he's after if he is. surely there is some reason for this, beyond satoru's exhaustion, satoru's bad habits...

...and there is. of course there is. this is satoru slipping back into what was, every bit as easily as suguru—and as suguru shifts his focus to satoru's half-hidden face, suguru suspects that he, too, realizes the cost of such a thing. nothing is as it was; nothing can be as it was, which is why it's little wonder satoru loosens his hold, obviously preparing to pull away.

before suguru can think better of it, he finds himself folding his fingers, tightly, over the back of satoru's hand. locking it in place; refusing to allow satoru to escape the fact that everything is too much, too soon, though suguru's expression remains calm. he isn't thinking about the hand he's continuing to hold. he can't. it's too familiar a feeling, too comfortable when it should be anything but.]

Do you?

[a question for a question, because is this long enough? both to complete suguru's directive, and to satisfy satoru's curiosity.]

[This is a direct consequence of Satoru's own actions — a means by which Suguru is proving to him that he's gone too far — but it feels cruel nonetheless, that Suguru would tighten his grip and prevent him from pulling away to make a point. To force Satoru to face what he has been attempting to avoid with his antics — to use the joining of their hands as yet another example of how much is different between them, marring what once would have been a comfortable grip by rendering it into something painful.

When faced with uncomfortable or heavy situations, Satoru relies on his antics to carry himself — and those around him — back to a state of normalcy. But there was a time when he showed Suguru his true self: when he admitted to feeling nothing, in the aftermath of trauma; when he admitted to being tired, after overexerting himself; when he was the one clutching Suguru's hand tightly, preventing him from leaving so he wouldn't be alone.

This is an inverse of what once was, twisted to make a point, and Satoru knows that it's his own fault — for swooping into Suguru's camp as though the binding vow isn't still fresh and painful for them both, and for grasping Suguru's hand as though he hadn't once taken his life. But this is only the beginning; they'll have to work together on this train, through a variety of objectives. Suguru will have to accept him in his camp so he can rest safely. And Satoru has two choices: either be unrelentingly himself, or dwell in how difficult it feels to look upon Suguru as an unwilling ally — and an enemy waiting to strike at the end.

And what can Satoru do here, other than smile and tighten his grip once again, embracing the prolonged hold as if it doesn't go right for his chest, a blow that reaches its mark. He takes everything in stride, even when he doesn't want to, and Suguru can't be the exception he once was.]

Yeah, I think this should do it. [There was no time limit on the directive, and his curiosity has been more than satisfied; in fact, his interest in the survey's prize is gone.] But we can wait a minute more to be sure.

[He looks away from their hands — and away from Suguru — and offers a shred of honesty, in accordance of their agreement.]

One night'll be enough.

[Enough to get him back on his feet, in fighting shape, recovered for at least a few days of the distance that Suguru has demonstrated they need. Satoru will eat his dinner, sleep in his bed, and then go off until he needs to recharge again. His statement is meant to communicate that: he may be milking this now, tackling it as he does all things, invading Suguru's peace and pretending that everything is fine, but it is out of necessity, a way of coping with a situation that is difficult for them both. And he won't prolong it for either of them.

A light squeeze of Suguru's hand then — which could be read as a tease, or a means of pushing boundaries even further, but it is meant as another form of honesty: an acknowledgement. An apology. A way of saying: I get it.

Then he severs their hands with his Infinity — and lets Suguru go.]

Edited 2021-09-02 23:02 (UTC)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

inbox - locomo

no subject

no subject

what is with that terrifyingly serious icon

it was either that or wide-eyed and crazy...i'm out of eyecons

eyecons... stop 😔 time to go make more

no subject

no subject

no subject